When I listen to detransitioners (people who thought they were transgender, then went back to living as their birth sex) talk about their experiences, one theme I hear over and over again is that they thought something was wrong with them sexually:
"When I was probably thirteen, fourteen, getting into the whole sexuality thing, I thought I was bisexual, and then I was like, 'Okay, I don’t like guys at all so maybe I’m gay.' Then I realized that I don’t like women either. 'Well, if I don’t like anybody, then what the hell is wrong with me?' And that’s when I had discovered what being asexual was. Long story short, I wasn’t happy with that…I was asexual. I was not comfortable with intimacy or romance… But I still wanted like a partner, I still wanted a relationship. I was probably seventeen, eighteen years old, and I was very naïve. I didn’t know how to have a relationship that didn’t involve sex, mostly because I didn’t think anybody would want to be in that kind of relationship.” (SaltyAlty, https://youtu.be/duY4lCfGZSA 1:10-2:02)
This young woman, when she was merely a child of thirteen or fourteen years, thought something was wrong with her because she didn’t have sexual feelings about either men or women.
Of course she didn’t. She shouldn’t have.
Sexual attractions are not appropriate for children of that age. Sexual awakening begins to slowly unfold with puberty. So why did she—and why do so many kids—think they should be sexually active as adolescents? Because not only are they served up sexual messages via every form of media, that’s also exactly what they’re being taught at school, as captured by the Barna Group survey report Teens Speak Out:
"Overall, almost 1 in 3 teens (29%) think that their sex ed classes make it seem like sexual activity is an expectation. For students who receive Sexual Risk Reduction (SRR or 'comprehensive sex') education, the pressure to have sex is more intense, with almost 2 in 5 saying that sex seems expected (38%)." [p. 3]
What's it like being a kid today? Let's take a look.
WARNING: Disturbing Language & Images
Sex for Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner: A Day in the Life of a Kid in the U.S.
The following is a summary of a typical day for one of America’s public school kids. Although this specific sequence of events is fictionalized, each event represents an every-day experience, described in parent reports, and found in media and the entertainment industry. 6:30 a.m.: The alarm goes off and Kid turns on the radio. Tap In by Saweetie plays as Kid gets dressed.
Don't ever stop if you want to be on top, bitch Lil' waist, fat ass, bitch, tap in Tap, tap, tap in Diamonds dancin' on your neck, nigga, tap in Tap, tap, tap, in Fuck a nigga, get rich, bitch, tap in Tap, tap, tap in
7:10 a.m.: Kid finds a seat on the bus behind two boys huddled over a smartphone. When one leans over to put his backpack on the floor Kid catches a glimpse of the porn video that’s playing.
“What are you looking at?” one of the boys asks Kid. “I’ll bet you’re a virgin aren’t you? You still a virgin?”
The other boy laughs. “Wanna watch? Come on.” Kid looks out the window, embarrassed heat spreading from head to toe. The bus driver turns on the local pop radio station. It’s playing Lemonade by Internet Money.
Xanny bars, suicide door, brand new bag College girls give a nigga head in my Rafs Rockstar life, so much money it'll make you laugh, hey These bitches, they hate, and you can't miss what you never had, hey, hey
8:00 a.m.: Kid’s homeroom teacher hands out a worksheet titled Diagram of Sex & Gender and tells the students to locate themselves somewhere on each of the four lines. The class spends twenty minutes discussing different kinds of sexualities and gender identities before they go to the gym.
8:45 a.m.: The class is doing a unit on modern dance during physical education class. Students learn various hip-hop styles while the #1 song WAP (Wet Ass Pussy) by Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion plays. Two of the girls in the back are twerking. The teacher snickers but ignores them.
Whores in this house
There's some whores in this house
There's some whores in this house
There's some whores in this house (Hol' up)
I said certified freak, seven days a week
Wet-ass pussy, make that pullout game weak, woo (Ah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you fuckin' with some wet-ass pussy
Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy
Give me everything you got for this wet-ass pussy
9:35 a.m.: During English class the teacher hands out a survey about what sorts of topics the students are interested in for their next novel. Choices on the survey include Race, Poverty, Social Justice, Gender Identity, Sexuality, Class, Immigration, Family, & Religion. She then hands out a reading list and instructs the students to mark their top three choices in order. Next she takes a copy of What If It’s Us? from her desk drawer and tells the students to close their eyes and listen as she reads. The book is about two boys discovering their sexual attraction for each other.
“And then, slowly, his fingers trail closer to my boxers, slipping under their waistband. ‘This still okay?’ Holy shit. I laugh breathlessly. ‘Yup.’
“So this is actually happening. It's happening. It's happening, and my whole body knows it. His hand slides down another inch. I don't think I'll ever not be hard again. And how does this work? No, seriously, how does this specifically work? Who puts what parts where and in what order and when does the condom go on, and what about lube? I know fucking nothing about lube.”
10:00 a.m.: Kid’s friend, who used to be called Eric, now wants to be called Erica. They sit across from each other in history, and were partners for a project over the last couple of weeks. Erica isn’t “out” to his—her—parents, so the students were told not to tell their own parents about Erica’s change. It was tough over the last couple of weeks, when Kid’s mom asked how the project with Eric was going. Kid didn’t like lying to Mom, but didn’t have a choice. It was necessary to remember to say “Eric” and “he” at home, but to say “Erica” and “she” at school.
History class is interrupted when the school counselor enters. She gives a twenty-minute presentation on gender harassment. One student—whose family is known to be religious—asks to be excused to the restroom. The counselor does not permit him to leave until after the presentation.
Lunch Period: One of Kid’s friends pulls up the Cardi B song from gym class on her phone and shows the video to the students around the table:
12:45 p.m.: Students have library time. When they enter the main doors a new display has been set up in the front of the foyer. The topic of the display is gender identity.
(Images from Thomas Jefferson Public Library in Falls Church, Virginia)
1:25 p.m.: On the way from the library to science class, Kid notes the posters hanging on the hallway walls: Pride Week; Transgender Day of Awareness; Coming Out Day; school play auditions (for a play about Harvey Milk), GSA (Gender & Sexuality Allies) Club meetings; tryouts for sports teams (“Try out for the team that corresponds with your gender identity”); and an Identity art contest hosted by the local Equality chapter. It’s very clear which group of students are important at school.
1:35 p.m.: During health class two members from the school GSA (Gender-Sexuality Allies) club give a presentation on gender and sexuality. They ask individual students to give examples of different types of sexuality and gender, and to explain why those are valid. Kid feels uncomfortable with the subject, but does as asked, because the other students are complying, and because the students from the GSA are older and have the health teacher’s permission to do this.
3:00p.m.: On the bus ride home Kid receives a text from a classmate:
“Send me nudes. Top and bottom. Or I’ll tell everyone we had sex.”
U 2 Luv by Ne-Yo and Jeremih plays on the radio:
Give you all of my attention, mmm It's straight shots, no champagne sippin' tonight (It's that kind of night) Add Netflix to this massage, better yet turn that shit off (Yeah) 'Cause I love to hear you cussin' at me Like, "Ooh, shit, baby, too deep" You never felt this feeling when I touch you, ooh I never loved nobody like I love you, ayy
Evening: After homework Kid watches some TV. Seven of the top shows teens watch include:
13 Reasons Why (attractive teens having sex, rape, homosexuality, suicide) Never Have I Ever (plot revolves around losing virginity) Sex Education (attractive teens having sex, homosexuality, transgenderism, etc.) Stranger Things (attractive teens having sex, homosexuality is touched on briefly) Euphoria (addiction, attractive teens having sex, teens having sex with older men) The Umbrella Academy (addiction, attractive young adults having sex, homosexuality, main character whose real-life gender transition is celebrated as "brave" and "stunning") Dark (attractive teens having sex)
10:30 p.m.: Kid goes to bed with the song WAP spooling ear to ear, worrying about not sending that demanded sext, and tabulating how many friends have and have not had sex yet.
Kid is in sixth grade.
Open-Ended Questions to Ask Your Kids for Discussion:
Find out what’s happening in your child’s life by asking some open-ended (can’t be answered with “Yes/No”) questions. Good rules of thumb for these discussions are to ask more questions than you make statements, and to listen more than you speak. Another helpful trick is to ask questions about what your child’s friends/peers are doing, rather than about what your child is doing. Probing questions are less threatening when they’re about others, and they also make a space for your child to “tattle” about something uncomfortable or scary that s/he may not have known how to bring up before.
1. What are your favorite songs? What do the lyrics say? Can we listen to one together? Are there songs your friends like that you don’t? What don’t you like?
2. What are you learning about relationships at school? What have you learned about families? What makes a family?
3. Do you ever see or hear about other kids using their phones in ways they shouldn’t? What do you think are some of the benefits/drawbacks of having a smartphone?
4. Have you ever received an email or text that made you uncomfortable? What did you (or what would you) do about it?
5. Have you been told anything at school that seems to contradict what your parents have told you? How do you handle it when you get opposite information from two sources that you trust, like if two of your good friends told you things that didn’t align with each other?
6. What do you think is a good age/circumstance to become sexually active? What are the benefits/drawbacks of becoming sexually active? What do you think we (your parents) think about sexual activity?
7. What do you think the main message of (book/videogame/movie) is? What is the worldview of the person who created it? How can you figure that out, just by paying attention to the dialogue and plot?
8. Is there anything going on that I can help you with? Is there anything that’s scary or uncomfortable or confusing?
And no matter where the discussion goes, always end with, “I love you, and I’m always here for you.”
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